Tuesday, 22 May 2012


The first thing I want to mention is that my friend is ok.  Thank Buddha. 

I use the term "ok" quite liberally as I have no idea what is really going on with him but obviously if someone was driven to write such a dramatic, cry for help facebook status then things must be pretty bad, right?  Right?

So then why am I having such a hard time with the now non-chalant "everything is fine" attitude?  Obviously I'm relieved beyond words to know that he is "ok". This goes without saying.  What I'm having a hard time with is the way all of the love and concern that was shown to him over the last 48 hours is being brushed off as "silly".  If (if!) I were to ever post something like that on my facebook, I don't think I would be so lucky as to have as many people rush to my aid.

He is now asking for financial aid to assist with his art.  I understand that for him art is everything, art is his life.  But when I saw I was tagged along with his other friends who I came to know over this crisis, I thought it was going to be some heartfelt post about how lucky he is to have people in his life who care about him so much.  Instead, it was to ask for money?  I don't want to sound like a total bitch - if they guy is in a pinch I would help wherever I could but....he has family and friends and people he can go to if things are so bad.  People that WANT him to be with them (I've read their posts).  Again, not everyone is so lucky.

It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling right now.  Years ago I had an experience (I won't call it simliar) with a girl from highschool.  The entire nature of our relationshp was built on her falling apart and me trying to put the pieces together.  I first met her while innocently walking into the girls washroom where she was crumpled on the floor in a fit of tears.  She had gotten herself into trouble and I helped her get out of it.  (I thought for a moment to hold back as I didn't want to offend any pro-lifers out there but fuck it. I'm pro-choice. The girl was pregnant, Muslim, in an abusive relationship...the list goes on.  I drove her to the abortion clinic an hour outside of town. As I would have done for anyone. And as I would have wanted done for me if I were in that same position.)

Anyways, we left school, left town, went out separate ways only to find ourselves living blocks away from each other in "The Big City."  We were friends.  Never close friends but lots of phone chats.  More listening than chatting on my part.  Another bad relationship for her.  Everything falling apart.  So much talk of suicide and it really scared me. 

"It's not a fucking joke!" I would tell her when she'd talk dreamily about how she saw it all ending.  She was so consumed by her issues that she couldn't hear what I was saying, nor could she hear the fear with which I said it. 

Three times I called the ambulance on her.  Once she was pulled off the bridge (only to leave the psych ward a few short hours later). 

I felt like I was there for this girl, I gave her what I thought was solid advice (more like support...I know advice isn't usually what people are looking for.) and I went above and beyond to make sure she was ok when even her closest friends brushed the whole thing off (when I called them for help).

When my dad passed away, I didn't hear from her.  She didn't come to the funeral.  She now has a perfectly, happy, shiny life with all the things she's always wanted.  We are no longer friends.  I'm happy for her but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a bit....bitter. 

Was I a sucker?  Am I a sucker?  An enabler?  Giving the attention that was being sought?  Am I selfish for wondering if anyone would do the same for me???

When I felt desperate and like I couldn't find my way out of the darkness, I started this blog.  I confided in my 2 best, best friends.  One of which was loving and supportive, the other couldn't handle it.  I don't think I could or would ever make a public display of my desperation like that.  I feel like...for me....it will just happen.  Enough will soon become enough and that will be.....enough.

It's hard for me to understand the kind of people who toy with the notion of ending their life.  It's not a fucking joke!!!  It's scary. Really scary.  I feel like if/when I finally decided that was what I wanted to do, I would not advertise it to the whole facebook world for fear that they would stop me.  Things would have to be unbearable to get to the point of making that decision and if I truly felt that was the only way out, I wouldn't want anyone to stop me.

Again, I want to say that I am not feeling suicidal right now.  However, I worry that I have the potential to go there....and that in itself scares me.  I do think about it where I never used to.  Scary.

11:11....make a wish.


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