Sunday, 6 May 2012

I Want to Take Off the Mask.

I was looking for a picture of myself to post with this blog.  Unfortunately I don't have anything that is an inconspicuous as I'd like it to be.  I don't have a problem admitting that I have depression but the nature of this blog (saying whatever I want, whenever I want) makes me want to maintain discretion a little bit. 

But I want people to know that I (along with countless others) am the face of depression.  And my face is nowhere near as dark and gloomy as you might expect.  In fact, if I were to pass you on the street I'd probably be the one to give you a smile and wish you a nice day. (Fake it 'till you make it!)  I have a big, bright smile (thanks to 5 years in braces) and I flash it probably more than the average person.  It's part of my mask.

Suffering with depression can be especially hard because I maintain such a cheerful facade.  When I'm having a hard time, people notice.  They ask me what is wrong but I always brush it off and I'm sure many of the people around me on a daily basis assume that everything is peachy keen with me.  I've got some shit going for me.  What could possibly be wrong?  If I do try and confide in someone, I feel like they don't take me seriously.  This has often been the case when I've tried to get professional help (i.e therapy).

Today I did get out of the house and take the dogs to the dog park.  It felt good.  There weren't a lot of people there, the sun was shining and the dogs had a great time.  I was proud of myself for getting them out there. 

I heard from "the person I've been seeing" who told me that he got carried away with the day and apologized for "fucking up".  A texted apology - take that for what it's worth.

I was relieved to be honest.  No mask. No putting on a show.  This is a person I thought I could actually be myself with.  I've known him for a long time and he's been a very good friend to me - I've never been "friends first" and wouldn't have normally gotten involved with someone while I'm feeling this way I am.  And it's nowhere near the way I thought it would be.

There is a lot more to it and I hope to write about it soon.  It's been hard and I'm not sure if it's because of the headspace I'm in right now or if it's a sign that this isn't really a good match.  I thought for once I was making good "pick", choosing to open up to someone that I've known for so long and who I thought knew me.  And who I thought I knew. I'm not so sure now.  About any of it.

It's almost midnight and I'm going to sleep.  On the couch again.  Why can't I bring myself to sleep in my bed??????


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