Monday, 14 May 2012

Something More.

So much for writing every day!

This weekend was...pretty ok.  My mom was here on Friday night (she lives 2 hours away) and it's always good to see her.  Although it's also hard - I feel the need to entertain her even though I know that's the last thing she expects from me.  She knows me better than anyone and knows almost everything that I'm dealing with.  She's the only one I feel I can be truly vulnerable with even though I still feel like I have to put on a "happy face" around her.  Because I don't want her to worry about me. 

I'm an only child and lost my dad unexpectedly 2 years ago.  My dad and I had a tumultuous relationship when I was young(to say the least!) and in the time before he passed, I feel like we were just getting to a place in life where we were finding a mutual understanding of each other and could almost enjoy each other's company as adults.  I feel a bit ripped off to have lost him just when I was starting to feel I could have a relationship with him but obviously there is nothing I can do about that now.  It's funny (for lack of a better word) that I almost feel closer to him now more than ever.  I talk to him a lot and ask him for guidance. 

I've never been a very religious person (my dad would have called himself an "atheist" but I think now it was another one of his reverse psychology tricks.  He used to claim to have really rigid viewpoints and when I would question him he would challenge me and cause me to think for myself and form my own opinions.  A bit fucked up but it worked in a lot of cases.) but I do believe in something more.  And when my dad passed away, I became certain that there had to be more to life. 

I remember asking myself over and over, "Where is he? Where could he have gone?  He can't just be....gone???"

One of my dear friends reached out to hug me and said, "He's everywhere" and at that exact moment a huge clap of thunder shook the air around us and the heavens opened up.  I sat in that torrential downpour (in July) and just cried and cried.  I've always felt that storm was meant for me somehow.  Even if it's silly.  It was a hot summer night and as more family arrived, I remember sitting in my lawn chair contemplating all that had happened, and the sky was full of shooting stars. 

There has to be more.

I wish he would give me a sign now.  Of what to do to take control of my life. 


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